Beyond Differences: The Vulnerable Work of Seeing Ourselves in Others Grief

Claire

Hi everybody. Today is Thanksgiving and so I am not releasing a full episode. I know a lot of people are with family today, maybe not spending time listening to episodes. So next week I will get back on schedule with coming out with a new episode next Thursday. But for today, what I want to do is just release a really short episode on something that I am very passionate about within healing spaces. And this is something that I talk about in my career as a therapist in lots of different ways, in lots of different populations. And some of you know that I’ve spent my whole 10 year career specializing working with people who struggle with substance use disorders, along with all of the other things that go hand in hand with that. So trauma being a primary focus as well. But a really common mantra within the recovering community is look for the similarities, not the differences. And this is something that I bring up a lot within therapy, within the group spaces too. Because the reality is, is what this means, we as humans, as people, so often the tendency to look for differences when we’re meeting people, when we’re interacting with people, it’s maybe a survival mechanism, maybe it’s a defense mechanism. Because when we’re looking for the differences, we are staying separate from the person. We might be putting walls up. And it’s a way less vulnerable way of being around people. So sometimes that feels safer. I get it. That makes a lot of sense. A lot of us can relate to that. So the harder option is looking for similarities. This is a way more vulnerable option. This is one that sometimes maybe has us tap in with things that are hard for us to tap into, things that maybe we like to avoid, to numb, whatever that is. And this is why I really challenge people to practice this mantra of looking for the similarities and not the differences. The way that this shows up in a lot of my work with, with clients is when you’re sitting in a group with somebody, when you’re sitting in a group with other people or you’re at a meeting, if you can say, what is one way that I relate to this person? By the end of that meeting, the end of the group, the end of the interaction, then that is actually, in my perspective, a much more important muscle to be stretching than here. All the reasons that I don’t relate to this person, me and this person are different. And so I often tell my clients like it is stretching a new muscle. Like this is a muscle a lot of us don’t have practice in, especially in this American capitalistic society. But it’s one that I think is so vital to Just like true human connection. So I’m saying all this because this season of Nothing Happens For a Reason, Season two has very organically had that as the thread amongst all the episodes that I’ve recorded so far. And what I really want to challenge the grief community to be looking at is how many similarities and commonalities there are amongst those of us who’ve had loss. And I mean loss in a broad term, whether that be loss of people, of roles, of professions, of relationships. There are some really foundational things that happen in grief and that a lot of us can connect to, even if the loss on the surface is so different. So something that I’ve heard come up a lot, again, both in my profession as a therapist, but also since doing this podcast is people kind of pick and choose the episodes they listen to, which is fine. Like, I know not all people are going to listen to every single episode, but I also, I question some of that because it feels like saying, I’m only going to listen to the episodes that has the one type of loss that I’ve experienced. And I’ll be honest, I have been guilty of this in my grief, I would say, you know, I only want him to connect with other people who are in their 20s that have lost their mother and had a good relationship with their mother. And there were times where that was really what I needed. And I didn’t give other types of grieving people a chance because I was like, we’re so different. And like I’m saying, I know looking back, that kept me really stuck and really lost and isolated and lonely. And so what I really want people to hear me say in this little short segment is maybe challenge yourself to listen to some of the episodes that have come out so far that maybe don’t have a title that you directly relate to or a type of loss you’ve never had. For example, I’ve had people say, oh, I’m not going to listen to episodes about child loss or miscarriages, because I’ve never gone through that, or I’ve never had kids, or I don’t plan to have kids, so I’ll never experience that. Me, too. And strangely, season two, there’s a lot of episodes about parenting on here and sitting with these incredible humans that have experienced all types of loss related to parenting children. I still relate so deeply at the core foundation of what they’ve been sitting with and what their grief experience has been with those losses. So I know I’m saying kind of the same thing over and over again, but I just really want to challenge people to open up their lens a little bit more and say, I can probably relate to every episode. If I were to listen to every episode of Nothing Happens for a Reason and pull out 1, 2, 3 things that I relate to. And what I tell my clients is when we’re new to looking for similarities rather than differences, because it is, it’s, it’s again, a brand new muscle for some of us. And it takes time and conditioning to understand what that truly means. If the only thing that you can relate to in someone’s story is the emotion behind it, that’s still leaning into doing something different. So, okay, I’ve never had this type of loss. I don’t even know what that would feel like, actually. I’ve had other types of loss. And I know the feeling of just being devastated. I know the feeling of despair, of sadness. I know the feeling of people not reaching out to me because they didn’t know what to say when I went through that. Those are common things that come up again and again no matter what the type of loss is. And so how can I just pick out the feelings that that person’s expressing that I’m hearing the person say and then tap in with myself of when have I felt those ways before and how can I connect with them? So that is my soapbox that I’m leaving with you all today. I’ve really loved being more and more part of the grieving community. I’ve felt like I’ve been a part of it for many years now in different ways. But doing something so public like this, of this podcast and, and meeting incredible people every week, being on my podcast and people reaching out to me, wanting to be interviewed on my podcast, I just feel so grateful that people are trusting me with their story. And I just really want the people on the other end, the, the devoted listeners of this podcast, the people who tune in every single week, I really want for people to hear that. If you have been cherry picking some episodes, again, I don’t. No judgment whatsoever. I’ve been there. And we all have our own process. Maybe, maybe we just don’t have the capacity. Or I’ve had people say, like, oh, I cannot listen to the episode because it brought up too much for me. I get it. Right? I always want people to listen with care. And if you don’t feel like you are able to, or you have the internal resources to listen to an episode, oh my gosh, please, please skip it. And if you’re skipping episodes purely because you’re assuming you cannot relate to what’s going to be talked about on the episode. This is my challenge for you. Try to lean into it and listen to the episode and say, okay, Claire gave me homework to pull a couple things that I can relate to in this person’s story. Those have been some of the most meaningful messages I’ve gotten for people is when they say, oh my gosh, I listened to this episode on Blank. I thought I wasn’t going to relate to any part of it and holy shit, I listened to it and I related to X, Y and Z. Oh my gosh. I didn’t know other people felt this way. So just know it’s, it’s, it’s possible. It’s really possible for us to be connecting. And I think the, the bigger goal and my bigger goal within this episode right here and me getting on this podium of mine is because I think at the end of the day, the more that we can do this just as people as humans is connecting rather than finding things to not connect on, I really think we all will be less lonely people and we won’t feel as isolated when we’re struggling. So that is all. I’m going to end there and just know that it’s a hard time of year and the holidays are. The holidays can bring up a lot for people with grief and loss and just know that I hear you, I see you, I relate to you. And whatever you are doing today, whether it’s spending time with family, whether being with family feels too painful today, and just being with yourself, choosing friends instead of being with family, whether it’s being anti Thanksgiving, whatever you need to be doing today, I am just grateful that you’re here listening to this episode and hopefully going to take my, my challenge of you moving forward and just use that skill to be able to really lean into connection with other people, other humans. So again, appreciate all of you. Whatever you’re doing today, please take care of yourselves. And like I said, we will be back next week with our normal schedule of releasing another new episode. Please take care and keep connecting, keep reaching out. I love the messages, I love the DMs, I love the emails and just know I read every single message that I get. So keep doing it and we’re going to keep building this community more and more. All right, everyone, thank you so much and I’ll see you next week.